I can't believe time is going by so fast. It's already half way through October, when did that happen? It's scary how fast this deployment is going by but, even though it's going by really fast, homecoming can't get here soon enough! I'm so ready to have my husband home. Even though I'm extremely spoiled and have had the privilege to talk to him frequently and know he is not in danger, it's been long enough. I'm very excited to have him around again, to make new memories together, to be able to kiss him whenever I want, to know he's only going as far as Horno, and to just know he's here.. I'm so excited for him to meet Raider, and for us to just be together again. I miss my best friend. I miss everything about him. Even though he's a world away, I still fall more in love with that man every single day. I feel so lucky and blessed to have him in my life. People compliment me on my strength but, honestly.. I don't choose to be strong. I have no choice. I HAVE to be strong. This life may be very hard at times but it's exactly what I signed up for. Being with Tyler for a few months out of the year is better than not being with him at all. Words cannot describe the pride I have. I am so proud of him for everything he does, even though he doesn't see himself as a hero. Sometimes, I wish just for a second he'd pat himself on the back for all of the great things he's done, for all the sacrifices he's made, and for all of his selfless acts. He deserves the world and I wish I could give it to him.. I hope my love is enough ;)
As most people know, I suffer with anxiety. I was hospitalized a few months ago for an anxiety attack and it was probably the scariest thing I've experienced alone. When Tyler was in Korea, I was just sitting on the couch watching Jar Head (probably not the best idea). Before this night, I had been experiencing a lot of chest pain.. The only way I can describe this feeling is.. that it feels like someone is standing on your chest. It feels like your throat is closing in and it's hard to breathe. Anyways, I was watching Jar Head and all of the sudden my legs and arms went totally numb, I started shaking, I couldn't swallow (probably the scariest part). I didn't know what was going on. I felt like I was going to pass out so I sat on the floor just in case I did. It felt like nothing was real.. I was so scared so I called 911. My heart was POUNDING. I told the lady that I didn't know what was going on but that I didn't feel like myself and I was scared. In a few minutes, the fire fighters and paramedics came in and put me on a heart monitor and checked all of my vitals and what not. I don't remember much after that.. Just them putting me in an ambulance and taking me to the hospital to get my heart checked out and to make sure it doesn't get worse. I had a few more attacks in the hospital but, I finally calmed down. I felt like such an idiot.. Here there were people SERIOUSLY sick or injured next to me and I'm having a panic attack over here for God knows what reason. My good friend Val picked me up and I stayed at her house that night.. Thank goodness for her. I was put on some anti-anxiety meds after that situation and I was getting a lot better. A few months passed and here I am, off my meds because I'm stubborn as Hell and don't want to be on them, having chest pain. AGAIN. I'm so sick of this. It's RIDICULOUS. I know people suffer from anxiety but, I felt like such a baby. My husband wasn't in danger.. what did I have to worry about? I don't know why I suffer from such bad anxiety but, I'm going to find out. I finally.. FINALLY made an appointment to see a counselor. I've decided to stop being so stubborn and act like I'm fine. I'm not, obviously. I'm lonely, I'm anxious, and I need to fix myself. For once I'm going to seek help to fix ME. Not the situations around me, not the people in my life, me. I need to focus on myself and get some help before I cause damage to my heart or something. Honestly, if anyone is experiencing chest pain, panic, anxiety please get some help. It's not fun.. and I don't want anyone to end up freaking out on the floor like I was. Granted, I'm still getting used to this whole "being alone half of the time" thing but, seriously.. get help.
Like I said before, I signed up for this. I'm not saying that in a negative way, I'm just saying.. I knew what I was getting myself into and I don't regret it at all. The only thing I regret is not seeing a counselor right away to learn how to deal with anxiety. Because hyperventilating isn't helping anymore.
I love my husband more than anything in the world and this is a very tough life at times.. But I know I can do it. For once, I have faith in myself. I'm better than this, and I'm way stronger than this. I know I can fight my anxiety and learn how to deal better. I just need some helpful tips.
I can't wait for this deployment to be over!!!!!!!!!!!
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