Tonight is the night!

I can't believe it's here.. In just a few hours, I will be on my way to Camp Horno to be reunited with my sweet husband. It has been a long six months but, with the help, love, and support of our families and friends, we got through it. Most importantly, our love was strong enough to get through it. God has definitely tested me this deployment. I'm so to have God in the center of my life. I couldn't have done it without His love. This deployment has brought a lot of loneliness, tears, and heartache but also, a lot of joy, and happiness to know that Tyler and I can get through anything together. He is my world, and I cannot put into words.. How excited, anxious, nervous, thrilled, and THANKFUL I am to have my husband home tonight. I can't wait to pick him out in the crowd of cami's and give him the biggest hug ever. I can't wait to finally kiss him and tell him how much I love and have missed him.. It's going to be so amazing. Ahhh I'm so excited. And honestly, I'm so damn proud of myself. I know I could have probably done better during this deployment strength wise.. But I'm proud of myself for getting through it. I'm so thankful.. so so thankful to know he's going to be next to me tonight. Holding my hand, kissing my lips, hugging me, putting his strong arms around me, laughing with me.. I just can't wait. I am so anxious to get in the car and head to the base.. I'm a nervous WRECK. I've been a hot mess all day. I am so happy to say it's OVER. He's HOME. He is finally in the United States. Thank you all once again for being so loving and supportive. You have no idea how much we appreciate it.. :)

WAHHOOOO! MY BABY'S HOME! :)

There's a light at the end of the tunnel.

I cannot believe I'm so close to seeing the love of my life away.. We're about two weeks away! We haven't been given an official date yet but, I'm hoping for one soon! It's crazy to look back at old pictures of my countdowns and see how much we've already been through. Six months, DONE. It feels like it took forever but, at the same time it feels like it flew by. The days are definitely dragging.. I just cannot wait. I'm so excited, thrilled, nervous, anxious, and READY for my man to be home again. I have missed him so incredibly much.. I just can't wait to see his sweet face and kiss his lips again. I can't wait to hug him and see his smile.. I can't wait to smell him and hear his laugh in PERSON again.. I can't wait to fall asleep by his side and wake up to him again. I can't wait to drive around together and listen to music, I can't wait to make dinner together, I can't wait to cuddle.. I can't wait for everything. That man is my heart and soul and it's TIME :) I have learned so much this deployment.. I've been through a lot and I've worked through a lot of my issues. I have a long ways to go but, I'm very confident that I will have my anxiety under control eventually.

Words cannot describe how excited I am for homecoming.. The entire experience is just incredible. I am so beyond excited, I just can't stand it. I'm so proud of my husband and so happy he's coming home to me :) Only a couple more weeks of being away from you, baby.. I love you. We did it!

Amazing day!

I cannot believe a year ago today, I married my best friend. It feels like it went by so fast! I think that has a lot to do with us not seeing each other a lot. Out of the entire year, Tyler was gone for four months, give or take a couple weeks. Even though we haven't spent as much time together as I would like, I wouldn't want our lives any other way. I am proud to wait for him, I'm happy to wait for him because I know when that man comes home again, we'll be together and that's all that matters to me. Our love is too strong to be destroyed by distance. Nothing can or ever will come between us. I can't wait for the years and years to come.. And for what God has in store for us. I can't wait to have children one day with him. Tyler is going to be such an amazing father :) It's so hard to wait but, I think we definitely need to spend more time together just being "us". I'm so excited to spend the rest of my life with him.. He is such an amazing husband and the biggest blessing of my life :) I love you baby, Happy One Year! :)

Our wedding was so beautiful.. I can't thank our family enough for dropping everything and helping us get this wedding together in such a short amount of time. Everything came together so perfectly from the flowers, to the dresses, the decorations, the food, the venue, everything came together SO perfectly. I wouldn't change a thing about our wedding.. It was the best day of my life :) I can still hear the clicking of the cameras and sniffles in the crowd.. I remember the moment my dad gave me away to Tyler and the pride he had in his voice. I remember the look on Tyler's face when he saw me for the first time in my wedding gown before the ceremony.. I swear, he told me how beautiful I was probably a thousand times. And boy, did he look handsome. :) I can see Tyler's head sweating, trying to fight back the tears when we were saying our vows.. I can still feel my heart beating a million miles and hour. I remember thanking God over and over again in my head for this beautiful day.. I remember and feel everything. I feel the exact same about that man as I did when I married him.. I love him even more, actually. I didn't even know it was possible to love somebody this much.. His love is such a blessing.

I'm so thankful to have married into such a wonderful family.. I absolutely adore my in laws. I feel so grateful to have such a close relationship with my mother in law :) There are so many people that don't have that with their in laws, and I feel sorry for the issues they may have to go through. Tyler's family is hilarious.. I love their silly sense of humor and how laid back everyone is. I feel like I was meant to be in their family, and that is so important to me. I feel the same for Tyler. I feel as though he was meant to be apart of my family as well. And they love him to pieces :)

Our one year anniversary was a little bitter sweet. Bitter because of course, we couldn't spend it together, and very sweet because well.. It's our anniversary! :) I was so happy that I got to Skype with him this morning. That was amazing. <3

Something crazy happened today.. And I can't wait to tell Tyler about it :)
Today I had to pick up a prescription from Rite Aid and as I was standing in line, I noticed it was taking a little while.. I peaked over and saw a little old lady picking up her meds along with buying certain products that elderly people need :) She was taking her time because she had a cane, and a cart to take care of. I noticed some of the people were getting pretty impatient.. When she turned around to leave, she apologized to everyone. I couldn't stand knowing that she had to walk all that way back to the car by herself so I offered to help her unload her stuff. She gladly accepted and we slowly walked to the car.. On the way, we talked about her sciatic nerve, her husband, my husband, she gave me wonderful information about a nearby Church that her and her husband attend which I am so thankful for, we talked about where we're from, how much we love California and how much she loves Marines. She volunteers for the program that throws baby showers for women who are pregnant with deployed husbands! How sweet, right? And just when I thought she couldn't get any sweeter, she handed me a $100 bill. I gave it back to her and said "no, thank you so much but there is no way I'm going to accept that from you. I'm going to return your cart, thank you so much for sharing your stories with me, it was so nice to meet you!" But she looked me in the eyes and says, "Alli, I want you and your husband to do something nice for your anniversary. You are a very strong woman for going through all of this, and you two deserve to do something nice when he comes home, please take it." I hugged her and started bawling my eyes out, of course. I did not want to take this money from her, but he continued to push me to take it. I can't believe it. A complete stranger. She gave me more than a gift of 100$, she gave me the gift of finding a church for Tyler and I to attend, and gave me a lot of advice and love. I will be praying for her and her husband tonight, and praying that God will put someone in my path tomorrow that needs a helping hand.

AMAZING DAY! Thank you, Jesus.

My very good friend Amanda Dooley has been battling the deadly disease, Cystic Fibrosis her entire life. She has been in and out of the hospital more than any of us could even imagine, and she has flirted with death one too many times. No matter what struggle her disease puts her through, she always has a smile on her face and stays so incredibly positive. She is the strongest person I know, and I am so proud of her.

 

In case you didn't know, Cystic Fibrosis is a disease that is passed down through family members. It attacks the lungs and digestive system. Making it extremely hard to breathe, live a "normal" life. And what I mean by that is, it makes it difficult to do what we all take for granted. Walking with ease, running with ease, swimming with ease, going shopping, being in public without having to worry about the smoker next to us, common colds sending us to the hospital, BREATHING, etc. It makes eating a struggle because people with CF don't produce the enzymes that you and I do to help us digest food. Cystic Fibrosis has no cure as of right now but, with the help of fundraisers, awareness, and prayers, I believe we can find a cure. As for now, to make their lives a little easier.. Patients use treatments such as antibiotics, defibrillators, and more. There is also the option of getting a transplant.. Right now, Amanda is trying to decide whether to start the process of getting on the list or not. So please, send your prayers and your positive thoughts to both Amanda and her family. She needs it now more than ever. I've seen this girl get through a lot in her life and I know in my heart that she can get through this. She's the toughest person I've ever met and I know that no matter what she decides, it's the right decision.

 

If you would like to learn more about CF and what you can do to help, please visit: http://www.cff.org

 

And please follow Amanda's blog! The more people that are aware of this disease, the more help they can get. http://realheroesbecomeangels.blogspot.com/

 

Deployment, thoughts, anxiety, updates.

I can't believe time is going by so fast. It's already half way through October, when did that happen? It's scary how fast this deployment is going by but, even though it's going by really fast, homecoming can't get here soon enough! I'm so ready to have my husband home. Even though I'm extremely spoiled and have had the privilege to talk to him frequently and know he is not in danger, it's been long enough. I'm very excited to have him around again, to make new memories together, to be able to kiss him whenever I want, to know he's only going as far as Horno, and to just know he's here.. I'm so excited for him to meet Raider, and for us to just be together again. I miss my best friend. I miss everything about him. Even though he's a world away, I still fall more in love with that man every single day. I feel so lucky and blessed to have him in my life. People compliment me on my strength but, honestly.. I don't choose to be strong. I have no choice. I HAVE to be strong. This life may be very hard at times but it's exactly what I signed up for. Being with Tyler for a few months out of the year is better than not being with him at all. Words cannot describe the pride I have. I am so proud of him for everything he does, even though he doesn't see himself as a hero. Sometimes, I wish just for a second he'd pat himself on the back for all of the great things he's done, for all the sacrifices he's made, and for all of his selfless acts. He deserves the world and I wish I could give it to him.. I hope my love is enough ;)

As most people know, I suffer with anxiety. I was hospitalized a few months ago for an anxiety attack and it was probably the scariest thing I've experienced alone. When Tyler was in Korea,  I was just sitting on the couch watching Jar Head (probably not the best idea). Before this night, I had been experiencing a lot of chest pain.. The only way I can describe this feeling is.. that it feels like someone is standing on your chest. It feels like your throat is closing in and it's hard to breathe. Anyways, I was watching Jar Head and all of the sudden my legs and arms went totally numb, I started shaking, I couldn't swallow (probably the scariest part). I didn't know what was going on. I felt like I was going to pass out so I sat on the floor just in case I did. It felt like nothing was real.. I was so scared so I called 911. My heart was POUNDING. I told the lady that I didn't know what was going on but that I didn't feel like myself and I was scared. In a few minutes, the fire fighters and paramedics came in and put me on a heart monitor and checked all of my vitals and what not. I don't remember much after that.. Just them putting me in an ambulance and taking me to the hospital to get my heart checked out and to make sure it doesn't get worse. I had a few more attacks in the hospital but, I finally calmed down. I felt like such an idiot.. Here there were people SERIOUSLY sick or injured next to me and I'm having a panic attack over here for God knows what reason. My good friend Val picked me up and I stayed at her house that night.. Thank goodness for her. I was put on some anti-anxiety meds after that situation and I was getting a lot better. A few months passed and here I am, off my meds because I'm stubborn as Hell and don't want to be on them, having chest pain. AGAIN. I'm so sick of this. It's RIDICULOUS. I know people suffer from anxiety but, I felt like such a baby. My husband wasn't in danger.. what did I have to worry about? I don't know why I suffer from such bad anxiety but, I'm going to find out. I finally.. FINALLY made an appointment to see a counselor. I've decided to stop being so stubborn and act like I'm fine. I'm not, obviously. I'm lonely, I'm anxious, and I need to fix myself. For once I'm going to seek help to fix ME. Not the situations around me, not the people in my life, me. I need to focus on myself and get some help before I cause damage to my heart or something. Honestly, if anyone is experiencing chest pain, panic, anxiety please get some help. It's not fun.. and I don't want anyone to end up freaking out on the floor like I was. Granted, I'm still getting used to this whole "being alone half of the time" thing but, seriously.. get help.

Like I said before, I signed up for this. I'm not saying that in a negative way, I'm just saying.. I knew what I was getting myself into and I don't regret it at all. The only thing I regret is not seeing a counselor right away to learn how to deal with anxiety. Because hyperventilating isn't helping anymore.

I love my husband more than anything in the world and this is a very tough life at times.. But I know I can do it. For once, I have faith in myself. I'm better than this, and I'm way stronger than this. I know I can fight my anxiety and learn how to deal better. I just need some helpful tips.

I can't wait for this deployment to be over!!!!!!!!!!!

Four years ago

I tried writing earlier.. and couldn't even get a sentence down. I should be happy, I am happy. But I shouldn't be crying so hard when I write about Tyler.. He's alive, healthy, and SAFE. I don't know why I am being so selfish and letting myself break down to the point where I can't even write about one of the best days of my life.

Four years ago, I met the love of my life at the homecoming football game at Gladstone High School. He knew of me, and I had no idea who he was.. I remember seeing all the attention he was getting and everyone shaking his hand. Once I got a good look at him, there was no turning back. I was absolutely mesmorized by this man.. He was the most handsome man I have ever laid eyes on. I walked up to him and introduced myself.. I asked him about the uniform he was wearing and he explained to me that he had graduated from boot camp that day and this was his first time being home in months. I don't really remember what he said after that, I was too focussed on how dreamy he was.. I asked him if I could get a picture with him, and when he put his arm around me for the first time, it felt like the entire world stopped and it was just him and I. I didn't want him to let go.. ever. I didn't know when, I didn't know how, but I knew he was going to be a huge part of my life. We exchanged numbers, and went our separate ways.. Some months later, him and I finally got together and fell madly in love with one another. We have the deepest love for each other and the most obvious chemistry.. I am so lucky to be so in love. Tyler and I have gone through hell and back together. Our relationship has been tested in every way possible.. We got through everything that was meant to tear us apart and always came out stronger than ever.. Every time I see him my love grew deeper and deeper for him. Every day that goes by I only dream of seeing him in a few months.. I cannot live without him. Tyler means everything to me. He is my hero, my best friend, and everything I could ever want. I don't deserve him but, I'm so thankful and feel so blessed to have him forever. I am missing him more than anything.. but thinking of that night puts a smile on my face. I can't say it enough.. I am so honored and blessed to be his wife and one day, the mother of his children.

Tyler Hargett is my world.
September 19th, 2008 was one of the BEST days of my life.

Worry.

Today was definitely tough.. and I brought it on myself! I don't know why I do this to myself. I guess it's my job to worry. I keep hearing about what is going on in Africa and the Middle East and it scares me to death. I called the FRO today just to make sure that all the rumors were false about the guys going over there.. And he said that as of now, they are coming home when they're expected to. But he did throw in, "you can never say never". I know this.. I knew this coming into this life that Tyler could ALWAYS go on another combat tour any day.. But I just didn't realize I would have to worry about it so soon. Why do I do this to myself.. It isn't even a possibility right now. Ugh.. My biggest fear in the entire world is losing him. And I think that's what it all comes down to. Don't get me wrong, I have so much faith in him no matter where he goes.. but I can't help but worry. It happens to people everyday. I would die if I lost him. Okay, I need to stop. I can't even think about it. I can't even let my mind go there.. The fact that my mind is even going there when he's on a MEU just baffles me. What the hell is wrong with me.. I thought I was stronger than this. I thought I was going to be okay through all of this.. I thought wrong. I just want him home.. When he's here, I know he's safe.

I need to suck it up. This is pathetic.

Vent=over.

A year ago today.

I can't believe a year ago today, Tyler proposed to me. Time has flown by way too fast.. It seems like yesterday I was taking a vacation down to California to see my long term boyfriend.. I knew we were going to get engaged soon but, I wasn't 100% sure it was going to happen on that trip. We stayed at a friends house on base, and I'm not gonna lie I totally saw myself being a Marine wife the second I got there.. I loved everything about it. I loved the thought of taking care of my husband and loving him for the rest of my life.. Hearing artillary, seeing him in his cami's everyday, making his lunches, spending every moment we could together. I could see it all..

Tyler, myself, and a few of our friends decided to go to the San Onofre beach on Tuesday, August 23rd of last year. I was very anxious and wondered if tonight was the night.. Tyler was in a weird mood, not in a bad way just in a "I have something up my sleeve" type of mood. I love that mood ;) We sat and watched the sun go down and just as the sun was about to leave for the day, Tyler asked me to take a walk with him. I put my arm around him and tried to put my hand in his back pocket but he wouldn't let me. I didn't want to get my hopes up so I just kept walking with him.. We walked.. and walked.. and WALKED.. We could barely see the spot we were at! Tyler started getting very nervous and kept taking deep breathes.. Was he really going to do it? No.. No way. Tyler grabbed my hand and at that moment, the world stopped. He pulled me away from the ocean and got down on one knee.. I barely remember what he said because I was in complete shock but, I do remember him asking if I would "take his hand in marriage" :) And out pulled the most precious ring I have ever seen.. I was so overwhelmed with joy. Of course, I said yes. I had been waiting to answer that question for a while now.. And that was the best three letter word that has ever came out of my mouth.

It was the start to our future, a start to our dream.. to be together forever. Our love is real, it's strong, it's unbreakable, and it's intoxicating. I have never been so happy in my entire life.. And I am so happy to revisit those memories :) I wish Tyler could be here tonight but, he will be home soon and we can celebrate then. I just gotta keep moving through this deployment. I loved today :)

Friendship

One thing that I cherish in life are my friendships. Now over the years, I have definitely lost a lot of friends but, I have gained as many as I need in my life. The people that I can call my friends, are those that have stuck by my side through hell and high water. I've been through some shit. More than some, less than others. The people that put up with me all those years, forgave me, and loved me no matter what- I will love for the rest of my days. I am so incredibly blessed to have the friends that I have and I will forever support them and be there for them whenever they need me. I hope they know that :)

On this recent trip to Oregon, an old friend came back into my life after years of ups and downs. This girl has been such a blessing in my life, and words can't describe how happy I am to be close again. It shows what a mature woman she is to put aside the past and focus on the present and future. These days, life long friendships are hard to keep but if there's one thing I learned from this trip home, it's that no matter what has happened, no matter how far apart, the friendships I have are going to last.


Love you all.

Worst dream ever

It was a warm evening.. My dad and my best friend Juli were visiting me for a couple of days. I'm not sure were my step mom was. We were watching tv and the door bell rang- It was the pizza guy delivering our lazy dinner. We enjoyed each others company for a while and got extremely full. Later on that night, there was a knock on the door. Each knock was like a stab to my heart. I knew who was on the other side of that door and I didn't want to open it, so I asked my dad too. Juli sat on the couch with her hands over her face and I stood back from the door as it slowly opened. My dads face became frozen. I had to look. There was a Marine standing outside with a flag in his hands and Tyler's dog tags. No Chaplin. Just a Marine standing there ready to give me the worst news I could ever receive. My heart stopped. I felt a rush of heat from my head to my toes.. I could hear my heart beat once again in my ears.. I heard nothing the man said. I just knew.. I begged him to tell me what happened but, he wouldn't. He wouldn't tell me what happened to my husband, my everything. How could this happen? I thought he was safe? He promised nothing would happen.. He wasn't in any danger.. WHY. I screamed, and screamed. I collapsed on the floor and begged for answers.. No, not him. This isn't happening. I grabbed my phone and call him but, no answer. I called his friends, no one would tell me what happened. The Marine told me he was sorry, handed me a check, and walked away. Really? This is how it works? I ripped up the check and screamed. I just remember bawling my eyes out and wanting to die.. I wanted to be with Tyler. 

I needed to talk to him.. I needed him to hear me.. There was a pile of rocks that came out of no where. Dark blue rocks and orange rocks.. The dark blue rocks were the parts of Tyler's soul that had already crossed over.. The orange were the parts of him still traveling. I held onto those rocks and told him how much I loved him over and over again..

And then I woke up.

My heart was pounding and I thanked God a million times for letting it just be a dream.. 

A nightmare.. 

A little bit stronger

I feel a little bit stronger this time around. I'm not sure why, maybe because I'm talking to Tyler daily? Maybe because he's not in a combat zone? Maybe because I have a new kitty to keep me company? Maybe because there's so much to look forward to this summer-- seeing my parents next week, seeing my very best friend in the whole world in July, and going home in August, I don't know. All I know it, I feel stronger. I hope this feeling stays throughout the entire deployment. I am so thankful for both mine and Tyler's family for their unconditional love and support. I don't know what I would do without them! Every time I start feeling down about Tyler being away, I remind myself of what my Grandma Holte went through when my Grandpa was away at war. There was no such thing as Skype, no texting, no calling, and hardly any mail. She sat on her front porch every single day and waited for the mail man to come, hoping for a letter. She's my hero :)

I miss my husband so much.. I really hope this deployment goes by faster :) I can't wait to have him home. Hopefully for a while this time!

Leo

Oh how I miss that little guy.. I hope he knows how hard I tried to find him and how much Tyler and I love him. I know it's silly to be this heartbroken over a kitty but, he was the best. He was our first baby.. And we miss him dearly. I pray that a family swooped him up and just decided he's way too precious to give him up. I'll never stop secretly looking for you, buddy. I love you and I hope you come home to meet your little brother, Raider :)

Six months :)

Today is mine and Tyler's six month anniversary! I can't believe how fast time has gone by.. But at the same time, it feels like we've been married for years ;) I love being married, especially to the most amazing husband ever. Marriage is wonderful when you're married to your best friend. We have so much fun together and our love never stops growing.. I can't wait to start a family one day. I just know he's going to be an incredile father!

So, Happy Anniversary Tyler! You are an amazing husband and I love you more than anything! You make me the happiest and proudest woman alive. If I could go back to that beautiful day six months ago, say our vows again, and share our first dance as husband and wife- I would in a heart beat :) I love you!

My heart is whole again

Tyler has been home for a couple of weeks now, and life couldn't get any better. My heart feels whole again, the house feels warm again, and I feel complete again. Homecoming was so amazing..  Alexa and Adrianna stayed the night Saturday night. I was up all night cleaning and making sure the house was absolutely perfect for Tyler. I'm pretty sure I went to bed at 3am. Alexa came in my room at 7am waving her hands all around saying "Alli!! It's today! It's today!" We were soo excited.. We made our coffee, got ready, which took about three hours.. And waited for them to say they had landed in LA. Once we knew they were on their way to base, we were on our way too. That was the most nerve racking drive of my life.. I was so anxious to see him and so nervous. There we all were, sitting under the homecoming tents anxiously waiting for the buses to pull up. I wasn't surprised to see who was waiting for their husbands, the Weapons wives :) My girls. Finally, the buses turned onto the grinder. One by one they started coming off of the bus. I heard, "There's Hargett!" And my heart jumped. "Go get him, girl!" It felt as if everything around us had stopped and only him and I were there. Seeing him for the first time in two months was the best feeling in the world..

The past couple of weeks have been amazing.. I can tell that him and I have grown, matured, and changed in a few ways. We are a much stronger couple now, stronger than ever. We have been having a blast every second we've spent together :)

Unfortunately, he is going out to the field again for a week but once he comes back, we get to go home together! I am so excited. We've never been on a plane together!! And there's nothing better than spending quality time with family and friends.. I can't wait to see everyone.

Life is amazing, and I have a lot to be thankful for. My husband returned home safely to me, we are able to afford a trip home to see our loved ones, we just signed a 12 month lease for our apartment, and we still have a lot of time together before he takes off again. I am so happy and I am so lucky to be his wife.. I am the happiest woman on earth. Thank you Lord, for blessing me with more than I deserve.

Days like today.

Days like today, I just want to crawl into my bed and never come out. I'm so sick of the selfish people that live around me. I think the biggest thing that set me off was two guys in a fancy dancy convertible with the top down of course, making fun of the truck in front of them covered in Marine Corps stickers, and a sticker that said, "If you love your freedom do your part, thank an American Veteran." What runs through these people's minds? I just want to know what happened to them that made them so arrogant so I can tell them to get over themselves. Days like today, I just want to punch a hole in my wall. I can't stand how disrespectful people are. Not everyone down here is rude, but let's just say I can't smile at someone or say hi without getting glared at or even flipped off. God forbid you ever turn your blinker on either..

Days like today, I just want my family. I want my husband. I want to be surrounded by people that love me as selfish as that sounds. I know Tyler's probably feeling the same way times a million.. But I can't stand it. I just want to be with him. I want to be around him. I feel like he's just gone..

Days like today, I want to go up to each and every person that has, is, or will be serving for this country and just say, "Thank you." Days like today, I just want to leave. I want to go back to the place that is full of GENUINE people. Kind hearted, sweet, respectful people. People that don't have to wear heels to the grocery store, people that can enjoy camping without electricity.. People that know their neighbors and care about them. That's the place I want to raise my family. If I can't, I will make the best of what I have. I have a lot, I am truly blessed and I couldn't be more thankful to live in such a BEAUTIFUL place but.. The negative people that live in it really get on my nerves. I wouldn't trade my life for the world. I am so happy down here, and I'm so happy to be Tyler's wife. I'm so happy that I'm the woman waiting for him. He's the best thing that ever happened to me and I love him more than anything..

Ahh.. I feel better now. Sometimes I just need to get it off my chest. I keep my mouth shut all the time about this issue.. And it feels good to let it out.

Time to do nothing.. in my adorable apartment.




Please excuse any typing or spelling errors. I was furious ;)

Almost home.

He's almost home.. I feel like I've been waiting years to see his face again but it's only been a couple of months. The first couple of weeks were really tough.. It felt like time had stopped. I think once the deployment has been going on for a few weeks, you finally start to get used to being on your own again. You start getting used to going to sleep alone, and getting used to the cold bed again. It hurts, but you have to get used to it or you'll drive yourself crazy. The middle seems to fly by, and the end seems to always take the longest- naturally. The middle was great for me! Once Alexa and I started hanging out (non stop) the days flew by. I can't believe March is almost over, the month I was dreading the most is almost over. Support is so important during a deployment, so is staying busy. My job keeps me busy half the week, and Alexa and Adrianna keep me busy the other half. I love it! I love them both, dearly. They're almost home.. Alexa and I have our outfits ready, our signs made, and are now just waiting for that email. I cannot wait to find out the day he comes home.. I can't wait for the sleepless night before, I can't wait to get ready to pick him up, hop in the car, and go get him. I can't wait to spot him in the crowd and feel the world stop around me. I can't wait to be in his loving arms once again.. I can't wait to have him home. Although I am dreading the day I have to say goodbye once again, I'm trying to keep that in the very, very back of my mind. We have limited time together, and I don't want to even think about the next deployment. Ugh, I'm not even going to talk about it anymore. I can't wait to have my love home again.. I miss making him breakfast, lunch, and making dinner together. I miss our movie nights, I miss cuddling for hours.. I love hanging out in the hot tub, I love our talks, and I love sleeping next to him. I am so excited to have my sweet husband home.. I feel so incredibly blessed to have him.

I love you, Tyler.

Friendship

I made a new friend, and let me tell you..

She's supportive
She makes me cry from laughing so hard
She checks up on me
She makes me food
She makes me coffee.. All day
She wants Youtube videos over and over again with me
She doesn't mind my gas
She cares about me
She listens to me
She's honest with me
She's trustworthy
She's kind
She respects me
She motivates me
She is HILARIOUS
She gives me great advice
She's smart
She's generous
She's humble
She's sweet
She is an amazing mother
And she is going to be a part of my life for a very, very long time.




Alexa McConnell, I am so blessed to know you.
"Aint nothin' but a thang!"

Getting through it.

I'm missing my husband like crazy right now.. I do all the time, but now more than ever. We're getting closer to homecoming but each day feels like a week sometimes. I feel so strong. I feel stronger than ever.. I feel that nothing can tear us apart, we are unstoppable. Our love is unbreakable.. There is nothing we can't get through. Every phone call we share is so exciting and fun.. It helps so much to hear his voice and to know he's doing well.

I've been having the worst anxiety lately and I am trying so hard to get it under control. It's so selfish of me to be freaking out like this.. When my husband isn't gone for that long, and he's not in any danger. I don't know why it hit me so hard, I just love him. I don't feel sorry for myself, I just want to stop having anxiety attacks so badly. It's not healthy.. I don't feel strong when I have them. I feel like a failure. I've been working on my breathing and that's been helping a lot, but there's still a whole in my heart that only my husband can fix. I can't wait to see him.. It feels like he's been gone forever. I can't wait to go home together and see our families.. We miss them so much. I can't wait to see baby J.. I hope he still remembers me :) And the twins, and Mady. I miss my babies.

I am so thankful for the girlfriends I have down here.. You guys are the best and are making this deployment a whole lot easier!

Thoughts..

About a week or so ago I posted a status about my bitterness towards how much is said about celebrities in the media, but not enough about true heroes or something along those lines.. I came off very arrogant and said that I shook my head every time I heard some celebrity be referred to as a hero. I didn't mean that entirely.. It makes me sick when celebrities receive a flag at half mast after they die, and not enough military members do after they lose their lives for this country. I believe that some celebrities are in fact heroes, and a ton of every day people are as well. I was just being bitter about not seeing enough about those risking their lives for millions and millions of people.. But our country couldn't handle it if they really knew how many people died every day for this country. Anyway, I just wanted to clear that up because I felt bad about it. Every one has a different view on the word "hero". And I didn't mean to come off as if ONLY people in the military are heroes. Not true at all.

Livid.

One of my close girlfriends told me tonight that while she was walking to her car after work, these grown men were harassing her about the Marine Corps magnet on her car. "Do you know what the military does? Your husband is a baby killer, a rapist, and you should be ashamed." One of them yelled. She held her head high and said, "Do you know what the military does? I'm ashamed of people like you. My husband is missing his wife, and missing his daughter grow up so that people like you can do exactly what you're doing right now." She got into her car and tried to back up but the guys wouldn't leave. They stood behind her car and wouldn't let her back up.. They ripped off her magnet, crumpled it up, and threw it on the ground. She is now being walked to her car each day after work.

It's things like this that make my blood boil. Of course they do something like this while her husband is overseas fighting for THEM. I couldn't believe it. I know this kind of stuff happens but, really? I have had a magnet removed from my car, but I've never seen it happen. I've never been harassed like that. I can only imagine the anger she felt. The same anger I feel when people don't stand quietly, remove their hats, and stand with their hand over their heart during the National Anthem. The same anger I feel when I hear about people protesting at Military funerals. It's the same anger I feel when I see Veterans unnoticed. It's the same anger I feel when people don't recite the Pledge of Allegiance. It makes me sick.. There have been a number of times when I can't take it.. I can't help but turn around and say, "Can you really not be silent for 30 seconds to show some respect for this country and those that fight for it?" I can't help it.

It hurts me when people say that the entire military is bad.. That all of them are killing machines, rapers, etc. Yes, there are some people in the military that do horrible things. But does that mean the entire military should be given a bad name for it? No. Just like our country. Do you know how many murderers and rapists there are in our CITY? You'd be surprised.. I bet half of you don't realize that if my husband didn't do what he did, if her husband didn't do what he did, if the Few and the Proud didn't do what they do, along with the other troops, YOUR husband would be drafted. Your brother, your father, your cousin. The men in your life. Do these people not understand that? They would lose their mind if they had to join the military.

I can't even begin to explain how proud I am of her for sticking up for herself the best she could, and was classy about it. I hope those guys can't sleep at night. I am so proud of my husband for everything that he does.. Whether you believe me or not, he is protecting YOU. And you should be grateful for that. My heart is overwhelmed with pride, being married to that man is such a blessing and being able to support him for what he does is the best job in the world.

I'm done venting.

Thankful

After watching the news today about what is going on in Afghanistan, I will make sure God knows how thankful I am that Tyler isn't over there right now. Even though it's hard having Tyler so far away right now, I'm so glad he isn't in danger. All of us need to keep that in mind.. They're going on a MEU. They don't have to go to combat for at least nine months, and we should all we really thankful for that. Who knows what the future holds with these wars, but for now I'm okay with Tyler being on a MEU in a few months. I am thankful that Tyler will be here for the next two years when he comes home from the MEU.. I know that could change, but I'm staying hopeful. My heart goes out to all the families whose husbands and daddy's are over there right now.. I am praying for all of them and if there's anything I can do please let me know. Stay strong ladies.. I know it's hard.

Once again, I am so incredibly proud of my husband and I miss him dearly.

It never gets old..

Tyler has called me a few times today, each time feels like the first. Each time I see his face pop up on my phone, I almost start to cry. I miss him so much, I miss him being home, and my heart misses him. Since I can't have him home, all I want to do is be in our apartment. As weird as this may sound to some of you, I kind of feel like he's there. I feel him there. I know that sounds kind of creepy, but I thikn it's because he's all over the place in there.. So many memories we've made in the last few months are all over that apartment. So many pictures, so many notes, his clothes. Even though he's only in Hawaii and soon across the world.. He's still gone. He's not here, he's not here with me and that makes me feel empty. But hanging out in our apartment even if I'm all by myself, I love it. It's OUR HOME. As much as I love working, I get so excited to leave just so I can go sit on the couch he was sitting on a week ago. Gosh, I sound crazy! Haha :)

Each phone call like I said, feels like the first one I got earlier today. I love hearing his voice.. I love hearing how happy he sounds. He is so happy to be on land! I can't imagine being on the water for a week! And they haven't even made it to Korea! He's hanging out with his buddies now, enjoying Hawaii with the short time they have there. I'm so excited for him! He's going to have been around the world and back by the time he gets home! I want to get a globe for him and have him mark all the places he's been too.. I can't wait for him to call me again. Even though I just got off the phone with him a few minutes ago, I CANNOT wait to talk to him again.. He sounds so good. It never gets old. I would stay on the phone with him for hours if I could..

I love you sweetheart.. I am so proud of you. You are an amazing person and you are my number one hero. I cannot wait to have you home..

Heard from my husband!

I am on cloud nine right now.

This morning I woke up to many posts from all the girls saying that they heard from their man! Of course, I was extremely happy for them but deep down, I was sad that I haven't heard from mine. But, before I knew it, I heard the phone ring after I had gotten out of the shower! Boy did my heart jump. I literally asked myself in my head, "I wonder if that's Tyler!" Seeing his picture pop up on my phonee, and hearing him say "Hi baby!" was the most exciting feeling in the world. We only got to talk for a few minutes, but a few minutes is always better than no minutes! Tyler didn't get sea sick, and I am so glad to hear that. He said he can see Hawaii right now, and they'll be there shortly. He had to go to a class and said he'd call me afterward. I am soo excited to hear his voice again.. I needed that phone call. I needed to hear his voice. I'm not trying to sound selfish, but I really really needed to hear his voice. Those few short minutes talking to him gave me so much strength. He sounded so good.. He sounded excited to hear my voice too.. He sounded happy. I cannot believe I just talked to him. I can't believe he's going to be in HAWAII! Little stinker!


Can't wait to hear his voice again! I miss him more than anything.

For you ladies who haven't heard from your boyfriend, fiance, or husband- I promise they are going to call soon! Don't give up hope. Just remember that they're missing us just as much as we're missing them.. :)


Please continue to pray for 2/1! Thank you so much.

Another apology

I wanted to write a separate post to apologize to all of the people I've hurt in my past. I have disappointed my family, and obviously hurt Tyler in the past, but I want to also say I'm sorry to all of my friends from back home that I have hurt. I know I used to cause a lot of drama, and I was shady to a lot of people. Like I said before, I'm not proud for any of the mistakes I've made, and I'm very thankful that I've changed. I hope that maybe one day I could reconnect with those people, but we all grow and change. Some people stay friends for a very long time, some grow apart, and I'm at peace with that. But to every person I have lied to, was mean to, stabbed in the back, whatever it may be- I am sorry from the bottom of my heart. I was a very confused, naive, immature person in high school and although I have a lot of amazing memories with many people, I also made a lot of bad mistakes.

I apologize and I hope you all can see me for the person I am today. If not, I understand and I'm at peace with everything. I hope you can be too.

"You never really know what you got til it's gone."

So yesterday I decided to start this blog for a few reasons.. I wanted to start writing about my past. As you all know, I've made some pretty bad choices in my past. I hurt a lot of people in my life, and I'm trying to move on from that. This is helping me let go. I feel that I need to be honest about everything that has happened in order for me to move on, and if that means that some people are going to get upset about that, so be it. I believe in second chances, and I believe that people change. I believe I have changed. I didn't even know where to begin writing this blog, so I started with the first time I met my now husband. I am not proud for the mistakes that I've made in my past by any means.. I am ashamed for the way I lived my life in highschool. I think we all go through a confusing stage in our lives, I know for one thing, we all make mistakes. Some worse than others.. I think the most important thing is what you decide to do after you made that mistake. Some choose to continue making them, which I did for a while, some learn really fast and stop. It took me a while to realize what I was doing.. It took up until I lost Tyler. When the guilt got to me bad enough, and I finally came clean about everything that happened in the past and over the deployment, he ended our relationship. Can you blame him? I was confused, I was naive, and I was young. It took losing him to make me realize everything. I realized that the way I was living wasn't right. It wasn't healthy, it wasn't classy, I was disrespecting myself and the ones I loved most in my life, especially Tyler. I hurt the man I love. I had the biggest reality check of my LIFE. And that's when I finally changed..

I decided that I need God in my life, and my family had a lot to do with me making that choice. I went to Church a few weeks after everything happened, and the message that was said really spoke to me. I remember the Pastor asked, "If there's anyone in here who is ready to make a change in their life, and ready to begin a relationship with God and be born again with a clean slate, please stand." I was the only person in Church to stand up. I was ready. I was ready to change my life forever. It was the most moving, intense, and amazing day of my life. I can't explain the love I felt in my heart at that moment.. I felt like God was pulling me from my chair. Before John even finished his sentence, I was already standing up. I felt such a sense of relief.. I felt like I had just woken up. That was probably the most important day of my life.

I continued to better myself, build a stronger relationship with God, and start rebuilding mine and Tyler's relationship again. It took a while for me to tell Tyler everything because I was so afraid to lose him.. I wasn't used to telling the complete truth, and I got used to beating around the bush for a while. Well, after the changes I had begun to make, I couldn't do that anymore. I couldn't lie. I told Tyler the truth about everything, and it was the best choice I had made in a while. Other than bringing God into my heart. Over time, Tyler forgave me for the mistakes I made throughout our relationship and gave me one last chance. I am the luckiest woman in the world.

Tyler and I became stronger than ever before.. we became extremely close, and honestly more in love than we've ever been. Our relationship was so much stronger, healthier, and just all around better. There were no more lies, and if we ever argued about anything, it was something silly. We were unstoppable. My entire mentality was different.. I had no desire to do the things I used to. All I wanted was to marry Tyler and start my life with him in California.

Now that I've opened up about my past, I feel a lot better. I'm so thankful for everything that's happened. I'm not PROUD of myself for the things I've done, but I'm proud of myself for becoming the person I am today. I'm extremely proud of myself and I have no shame saying that. I'm a strong, faithful, Christian woman, and I live my life supporting my husband and his job.

I'm going to start writing about my life now.. The new life that I've been given. I'm moving on. I hurt a lot of people in the past, and I pray that they can see me for the person I am today but if they can't, I understand. Some people don't have the forgivness in their hearts like Tyler and many other people have and that's okay. I have an amazing family, great friends, and the best husband in the world. I've made mistakes, learned from them, and made huge changes in my life. I'm excited to start writing about the amazing things that happened in the last few months such as the wedding and moving down here! :)

Before I do, I want to say thank you to everyone who has messaged me, wrote on my wall, and texted me about my blog. These are some of the things that will stick with me forever..

"And on a more personal note, I honestly gained more respect for you and your marriage after reading your blog. You seem very put together and in love. Keep it up and don't let the small things get you down. You're strong. I totally understand, and being in high school, being young and naive is a given. In my eyes you've done nothing wrong. ♥ Good for you to stand up to your demons, rather than ignore them and act like everything is perfect. You seem in love, at peace and strong."

"Your blog is great :) if people cant respect that you've acknowledged & accepted your mistakes then they don't deserve to be in your life.. EVERYBODY makes mistakes, not everybody learns from them.... I'm proud of you that you've embraced your past and grown from it! ♥"

And some other very sweet messages and texts. It makes me so happy to see that people can let go of what they've heard, and just see me for who I am NOW. It means the world to me.

Thank you to those who have given me a chance. Thank you for letting go of the rumors and reading the honest story, and not judging me for it. Thank you.
Now onto the good stuff! :)

Quote by Breanna!

"This is not a piece of cake. This is when 'through thick and thin' comes into play, during times like these is when you find out how true you were when you said those vows." - Breanna Blake

Very, very wise words! I love this girl!

Missing my family

The one and only thing I miss about Gladstone is my family. I miss my dad so much.. My dad and I are so incredibly close and I miss seeing him everyday. I miss my brother, my step mom, my step siblings, my grandma, aunts, uncles, cousins.. I miss my best friend. I miss my in laws. I miss going over to my mother in law's and watching re runs with a bowl of very seasoned popcorn on our laps :) I miss babysitting my sweet nieces.. I miss hearing Mady say "Alli Holte! Alli Holte!" Even though I wasn't Alli Holte anymore.. I miss the twins so much. I miss Aly and Noah, and I miss sweet baby J. I miss hearing him call me "Sissy!" I miss the pep talks we had right before I put him down for a nap.. He'd always look up and me and say "Yup." I miss making him laugh his little buns off. I miss having long talk with my aunt about my grandpa.. I love hearing stories about him. He sounded like an amazing man.. I know where my dad gets it from.

Even though I miss my family, I am very happy down here. I'm so thankful to have moved to California. I needed to get out of that town, and I needed to be with my husband. I love my job, I love my apartment, and I love being so close to the beach. If I could stay on the beach all day, I would. I love the small town feeling of San Clemente, but it's way different from Gladstone. And I LOVE it.

I'm so excited for my dad and step mom to visit this summer.. There are so many places that I just can't wait to take them too! I'm also excited for my best friend in the world to come visit too. I miss her so much.. I miss being able to go over to her house anytime day or night, and just hangout. It didn't matter what we were doing, we always had fun together. I miss our talks.. I miss giving and recieving advice. I miss our constant Dutch runs and worrying if we were going to get a bladder infection haha. I miss visiting her at work and planning on what we were going to do later! I miss our stupid voices and sounds. She's such a goof ball. I'm so glad her and I are still as close as we've ever been. I know for a fact that her and I are going to be friends for the rest of our lives!

I'm so excited for Tyler and I to visit this summer!

It's been a week!

I can't believe it's only been a week since the last time I saw, hugged, and kissed my husband. It feels like it's been months! I still have a long way to go, but I know this is going to be a piece of cake. This is NOTHING.. And being as strong as I am now, with the head I have on my shoulders, this is easy. It's easy because we are so in love. Being away from each other isn't easy.. but being strong is. Does that make sense? It's easy to be strong for him.. Also, being strong doesn't mean you have to keep it together 24/7.

The biggest thing that has changed in our entire relationship.. is that we're on the same level now. I'm on Tyler's level, he's on mine. I believe that is so important in any marriage. If you aren't on the same page, it will fail. Anyway, I miss my husband so much. I miss his laugh, I miss his voice. I miss his hugs and kisses.. I miss seeing him after work, I miss making dinner together and hearing his loud burps and his reaction to it afterward. If you know Ty, you know that face he makes when he's shocked? I'll have to post a picture I can't explain it but it's soo funny. I miss his hands.. I miss his gorgeous eyes :)

I wonder what he's doing.. I hope he's thinking about me. I hate how much we have to be apart but I know this job, as much as he says he hates it at times, makes him happy and that makes me happy. I will support him til the day I die. I hope he's sleeping good.. I hope he isn't getting sea sick :( I hate it when he's sick..

I can't wait for him to come home and see the little improvements I've made in the apartment! I made some touch ups on the walls and re arranged some things. I want to get a couch cover, pillows, and a rug for the livingroom. I think I'm going to get one new item for the house every paycheck :) By that  time, our home will look totally different to him! I can't wait.

Baby, I miss you like crazy and I can't wait for you to come home.. I miss having you around so badly. I can't wait to find a Church together and start reading the books we've been wanting to read together. It's the little things that I get most excited for.. I can't wait to do your laundry too! I miss washing your cami's.. I love you sweetheart and I hope you're doing okay. I miss you like crazy and I can't wait to have you home.

Dear Mr. and Mrs. Wade

Dear Chad,

If there was one thing I could say to you it would be thank you. Thank you for being so selfless. Thank you for giving your life, so my husband didn't have to.. So the rest of the entire battalion didn't have to. Thank you for being so brave, and for everything you have done for this country. You have no idea what kind of impact you and your wife Katie have on us. You were one of Tyler's brothers.. whether you two knew each other personally or not, you were brothers. You are our hero, Chad. My heart aches for Katie, you guys have something so special. You can just tell even in the pictures of you two that you guys were so madly in love with each other. It breaks my heart that your life had to end so short for this country.. You were so young and it's not fair. But again, thank you so much. Thank you for protecting our country, and now protecting the gates of Heaven.

Dear Katie,

I just wish I could sit down with you and tell you how much your story has impacted my life and my marriage. My friend Alexa and I have made a promise to each other that anytime we get into an argument with our husbands, that we will text each other the code word "Wade" and begin venting instead of taking it out on them. Our job is to calm each other down and remind each other that our husband's survived.. And we cannot take that for granted. I hope you're doing okay, Katie. I worry about you. We all do. If you and I ever reconnect, I'm going to give you the biggest hug in the world.

Later on

Wow, that last post took me a couple of hours to write! It's so crazy looking back at the first few months we spent together.. I need to continue!

Tyler and I did everything together.. We have so many memories, I wish I could re live them all :) I will never forget everytime I picked him up at the airport.. the giddy feeling I'd get whenever I saw him walking towards me. I could always see him in a huge crowd of people.. I could pick him out from a mile away just by his walk. He always gave me the biggest hugs.. I love him so much.

Tyler and I dated for a while before we had our first break up. Him and I started our relationship long distance... It was stressful and hard on our relationship. I was very young, and I didn't make the best choices. I lost myself up until he came back from Afghanistan.

Although I was very much in love with Tyler, I made a lot of mistakes that led me to where I am today. I  needed to find myself and figure out my morals and values that I was lacking. If I could go back in time and change my ways sooner, I would to prevent the hurt I would cause Tyler.. I was young, I was in highschool.. I had been getting treated like shit for the last three years then all of the sudden getting treated like a princess. I took that for granted.. I took Tyler for granted. I didn't show him the respect he more than deserved.. I didn't show him love. I honestly don't know how I got this ring on my finger. If I were him, I would have said goodbye a long time ago. But man am I glad I got another chance.. let me back up a little.

Tyler and I had broken up for a while, I had dated other people, and we had gotten back together on his pre deployment leave. It all happened very fast.. Bam, he was gone. He was in Afghanistan for seven months and during those months, I made a complete fool out of myself. I was not a good girlfriend to Tyler. I wasn't a good person in general.. I wasn't the strong, faithful, loving, caring, and selfless person I should have been. I'm not going to go into detail about everything that happened, but let's just say I made some mistakes. Mistakes that will stick with me forever, mistakes that I'm still trying to let go of. Mistakes that haunt me everyday and no matter how hard I pray about it, it will always stick with me. I lied about a lot of things in the beginning.. when Tyler came home, and when I saw him at homecoming, my love for him changed completely. I took him for granted. I took our love for granted.. I took our relationship for granted..

The person I was back then, is not the person I am today. I have changed in every single way. I am still the same silly Alli, but with faith, strength, morals, values, and GOD. I'm not an attention seeking whore anymore.. All I want is to be with one man and one man only and that man is now my husband. God only knows why Tyler forgave me for the things I did to him.. But I thank him for that constantly. I was blessed with forgivness and happiness. I will never ever know why.. But I do know one thing, I will NEVER take what I have for granted ever again. I guess the only way I can explain why I did the things I did while we were dating is because I needed attention..

It's not hard to be faithful. It's not hard to be a good person. It's not hard to be a good girlfriend.
I made the wrong choices.
Being a good person isn't a challenge. It's easy when you have the Lord in your life. It's easy when you simply have a good heart.
And that is what I have now.

I am not that person anymore, no matter what anyone says.

The important thing is.. I have changed. I came clean about every mistake I have made in my past, and Tyler forgave me. He gave me another chance and I proved my love to him. I am finally the person I want to be, but there's always room for improvement. I strive to be the best wife in the world for Tyler.. And I will do anything for him.

I began to appreciate him. I began to be more grateful for him.. I actually took the time to not be so damn selfish and get to know him on a completely different level. I gained his trust back and that means the world to me.. I will never do anything to jeopardize that trust ever again.

Honestly, Tyler and I wouldn't be the couple that we are today if it weren't for every single thing that happened in our lives.. We both needed to learn, grow, and find ourselves.. I have learned enough lessons in the last four years that most people never learn. I am grateful for that. I am grateful that I became the wife that I am today. I am so incredibly thankful to be with Tyler.. He is the most amazing man in the world. He is my best friend, the love of my life, and everything I could ever want in a husband. I am so blessed to have him a part of my life especially after everything that has happened.. I honestly don't think we would be here today, this happy we are today, if it weren't for every mistake.

My advice to you? Find yourself first. Never get involved with a man in the military until you're ready to take on what is required. You have to be strong.. and that's exactly what I was lacking. Strength along with morals and values. If you aren't mature enough to handle being with a man in the military, DON'T. Grow up FIRST.. Not after you realize it all.

I thank the Lord every day and night for blessing me with this man.. and I thank Him for being so incredibly merciful. I hope I can forgive myself the way He and Tyler have forgiven me. Maybe one day I will.. But for now, I feel I need to still beat myself up a little.

THIS.. Is the moment I realized that this was the man I wanted to be with until the day I die.
THIS.. Is the moment I realized I took it all for granted.

The Beginning

I decided to start blogging because I think it's going to help me deal with the everyday goods and bads of being a wife to a man in the Marine Corps :) I also want to address my past and get it all out there. I think overall, this is going to be very therapeutic for me!

Alright, now where on earth do I want to begin.. I'll start with the first day I met my now husband- Tyler.

I believe it was my junior year and I was getting ready for the Gladstone homecoming football game. I couldn't wait to get there and hangout with my old girlfriends! My boyfriend was away at college, so he didn't go with me. Anyway, I got to the game and it was packed as usual! I don't even remember who we were playing haha. My friends and I were all talking in a circle and I happened to see this guy standing to the right of me in a uniform.. I had never seen the guy in my life and was curious as to why he was there and what kind of uniform that was. A few minutes later, my old friend was talking about "Tyler Hargett" that's all I heard after that, "Tyler" this, "Tyler" that, and I thought who is this Tyler character?! Everyone was surrounding him. The boys were shaking his hand, the girls were drooling. I definitely had my eye on him for a while.. All of the sudden, I felt I just HAD to go up to him and introduce myself.. And I did! I walked right up to  him. "HI! I'm Alli Holte!" He shook my hand and said, "Hello miss, I'm Tyler." I asked him why he was wearing that uniform and he told me he had just graduated from bootcamp, he was a Marine. A Marine, huh? I sure thought that was cool :) My other old friend's dad who was a Marine, walked up to Tyler and said "Semper Fi, brother." I could tell that they had a connection, a connection that none of us could ever understand. Tyler and I continued talking, about what I have no idea.. I was too giddy to even remember. I asked Tyler if he wanted to take a picture with me.. I know, right? Who walks up to a complete stranger and asks to take a picture with them? For some reason, I felt like I needed to document this moment. I didn't know when, and I didn't know how, but I knew in my heart that this man was going to be a huge part of my life. I can honestly say that this was love at first sight.. The few minutes that I shared with Tyler were incredible. When he put his arm around me for the picture, the world stopped around me.. I had never felt so comfortable, safe, and so happy in my entire life.. we then exchanged numbers and enjoyed the rest of the game. Me with my old friends, and him with his. I couldn't keep my eyes off of him for the rest of the game.. What was I thinking? I had a boyfriend! I didn't care.. I was so interested in Tyler. I wanted to just sit down with him and talk for hours and hours.. I wanted to get to know him so badly.

After the football game, I texted Tyler and told him it was nice meeting him. He always called me miss.. Always. Every text. I loved it.. He was so respectful. He respected ME. We texted here and there but nothing really more.. I told my boyfriend that I wanted to get to know him and "ask him about the Marines" haha lies! I just wanted to hangout with him. Months passed by and I didn't hear much from him. I started taking a Health Occupations class which I loved! A few of my old friends were in that class. My friend told me that Tyler was coming home to visit her.. At this point, Tyler and I weren't talking at all. Him and her were dating and I was happy for them. She asked me if I wanted to go to Dutch with her and our mutual friend and go see Tyler. I was so excited! Of course I wanted too! He seemed like a great guy. Anyway, we got Dutch and went over to his house. His mom answered the door, she seemed like the biggest sweetheart! She looked soo happy to have all these visitors coming to see her son.. But most of all, I could tell she was happy to have her son home. I could see the love in her eyes. We sat on the couch and waited for Tyler to come out.. He was taking the longest shower ever! I knew Marines were clean cut but holy crap! We were literally waiting there for like 30 minutes. He finally came out.. He was wearing light blue jeans, a black shirt, and a black jacket with white tennis shoes. We hung out there for a while, took some pictures, and left. I had so much fun just getting to know him a little more..

Tyler and I started texting again. This time, I sincerely wanted to just get to know him. He told me I should come over again before he leaves and that he really wants to see me. I was a little confused by this.. I went over there. I knew exactly what I was doing. I couldn't stop thinking about Tyler, I couldn't stop wanting to get to know him, wanting to just be around him. I wanted him in my life so badly.. This was no excuse to be a shady friend and girlfriend. I couldn't help my feelings.. He asked if I wanted to watch a movie and I said yes. We picked out Armaggedon haha.We laid there and watched the movie silently.. me giggling here and there. I couldn't take it anymore. Just being that close to him gave me the most amazing feeling in the world.. I turned on my side and laid on his chest. He put his arm around me and I could feel his heart racing. Mine was too.. Of course, at this moment the song "Don't Wanna Miss a Thing" came on and we both looked at each other and smiled.. I fell in love with him, and I fell fast. I knew at this moment that we had something so special and so real. We said goodbye after the movie and I went home. I couldn't stop thinking about him.. All I wanted was to be next to him. He made me feel so happy. He made me feel calm, loved, and comfortable. He told me that day that he wanted to be with me.

Tyler flew back to California and began calling me almost everyday and texting me constantly.. I knew I couldn't keep this going without ending things with my boyfriend and making sure he told he was dating the truth. He told me that he told he took care of it and that he wanted to be with me. I believed him. I had been getting treated like shit for the last three years and I was done with it and I wanted to be with Tyler so badly.. Tyler showed me that there was better out there.. He showed me that I could be loved and that I deserved better. I had never fell so hard for someone before in my life.. He's incredible. He's the sweetest, most kind hearted, loving man I've ever met. I had to have him.. I was crazy about him.. I kept telling him that I didn't know what to do.. I asked him what he would do if I told him I was going to break up with my boyfriend for him. He said, "I would tell you I love you Alli." That was it for me. I was done. I called my boyfriend, ended things, and told Tyler I was all his. I was finally so happy. I found out a couple of years ago that after that call, he called his mom and told her that he was in love with me and that I was the one.. :)

Tyler and I started dating soon after, and I became the luckiest woman on the face of the earth.

Finally, Tyler told me he was coming home for a visit. I asked his mom if I could come with her to pick him up at the airport and she said yes! I had so many butterflies in my stomach.. More than I've ever had before! He only gave me those butterflies. We got to the airport and waited, and waited, and waited.. finally I saw him carrying his big black backpack. I walked as fast as I could up to him and he gave me the biggest hug in the world! I was complete.. We went back to his house and sat on the couch for a few minutes.. He asked me if he could have a kiss!!! :) I will never, ever forget the first time we kissed. It was absolutely amazing.. I thought my heart was going to explode out of my chest. Whenever Tyler came home, we spent every waking moment together.. I would stay there as long as possible because I wasn't allowed to stay over. (even though I did a few times.. shhh!) Being with him was the most amazing feeling I have ever felt.. He was so good to me. He showed me the true meaning of love, he respected me, and he never failed to put the biggest smile on my face. We were stuck like glue.. we were absolutely crazy about each other. How in the hell did I get so lucky..